We all have certain standards. We expect a certain amount of value in the things we get. We call them high and low standards, but those terms are really relative. What might be a 'low' standard to us could be a 'high' standard to someone else, or even just 'good enough' to someone else. We play horseshoes with things we like and want. Some of us, in that respect, even play golf with hand grenades and make our own hole in ones.
As far as standards go, you can't always get what you want. This is especially the case with other people. When we put those standards on inanimate objects like computers, tvs, cell phones, or things like that, we can usually get pretty close, if not all of what we want. The thing is, we have standards for everything. When we make friends, aquaintances, lovers, or even the people we plan to wake up next to the rest of our lives.
This is where things get tricky for us. People are very much different, and very much alike, in very different ways. What we look for in other people, may not even be the thing we should be looking for. We might find exactly what we're looking for, then we change, or they change. We might find hardly anything we're looking for in someone, then after hanging out with them as a friend, evolve into a perfect match. It's very a complicated and fragile process. Not only do we, ourselves, factor in, but things beyond our control can be a factor in how the flow of events and feelings we encounter can enter our lives.
Let's say we all have a metaphorical shape that encompasses our standards. For this exercise, we will say it's a star (you can see where I'm going can't you?), and lets say that our star has seven points to it, and not only is it a shape, but it is a star shaped hole, we also get a peg, but it is not star shaped, as a matter of fact, we don't know what shape it is at all, we can't see it. Now, anything we interact with has a shape as well, and when we come up to it, we can take it's shaped peg and see if it fits our standard (is this sounding dirty all of a sudden to you too?) and what we expect of it. Now, if it's another person, we get their peg, but they also get ours. So they get our unknown shape and see if it fits them, and we get their shape (which we can see but they can't) and see if it fits to our liking.
Now, all we have to go on from this other person is what they tell us about how we fit into their lives. With that knowledge and the knowledge of how well they would fit in our lives we can make an educated guess of not only how, but were they fit in........you still following me? I know, it's a doosie.
So, say for instance, we meet Jane (I guess we're gonna be a dude for this one), and we have jane's peg in our hand. Jane's peg is probably never gonna be a seven point star(that would be too easy wouldn't it?). Jane has a 5 point star. We can actually put the star piece in, and it fits, but there are 2 little pointy holes that are missing. More than likely this is fine, probably better than fine, its pretty damn good. On most things, we agree, and we're different enough to keep things interesting. Jane has to potential to be 'the star' we're looking for in a committed relationship.
Unfortunately, that is not the only factor. As Jane holds your peg, she still has to decide whether or not your a good fit for her. Let's say your a 4 point star for her. That's probably 'good enough', she likes you, thinks your interesting and everything is sun shiny and rainbows. She decides your 'the star' she wants in her life too. Win/win, right?
So you've told jane that she is the best fit for your life, and she's told you the same (certainly neither one of you would tell the other that 'your almost perfect' or 'good enough for now') and you go on your merry way. You have a great time, do fun things, and are pretty much two happy people.
Then, you start realizing what those little holes are. For you its small things, Jane's star is only missing two small pieces, things you can get over 'easy enough'. But, for Jane, those holes suck pretty bad. Its cool though, Jane's a trooper! The good outweighs anything else and that's 'good enough' for her. Well, that is, until it isn't.
Jane get tired of handling whatever it is she doesn't care for. It gets old. She needs something more. Your kinda tired too, but not too bad. After all, its not that big of a problem for you. You might not even notice the signs yet of whats going on.
But if you do, you two can work through it, your star gets an extra peg or two, you fit better because you've grown together, and you work it out.
On the other hand, one or both of you get haggard, pegs are jammed into the shape so tightly that they begin flaking off and eventually, you just don't fit anymore. It's sad, but but you move on.
Standards are relative. We all need different things, we grow as people, learn new things and hopefully find someone who can grow with us. No one is going to get a 7 star review at first. But with time and patience, they can get those 'extra points' they need to be your perfect star. It's when we start pushing triangles into the spot where our 'star' goes that we get into trouble.
They only way for someone to know where they fit in is for you to tell them. It sucks when people leave our lives, or when we leave on our own. But, not only is change necessary, but it can be good for us as well. Just because we don't know what's right around the corner, doesn't mean it's gonna be scary. Being afraid of not being liked, or of change can really hinder our ability to grow and adapt. Yeah, bad things can happen. But, bad things are gonna happen anyway. Good things can and will happen too. Things are mostly what you make of them, make something crazy good if you can.
So get out there, live a little, and be honest about where your people fit in. If you don't, not only are you hurting them, your also hurting yourself.
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